The newspaper's conservative editorial board named who'd be "first one to muster out" -- even though they've only been in the position for hours.

NEW YORK — U.S. stocks rallied to the brink of a record Thursday after more companies reported fatter profits than expected. Wall Street mostly yawned, again, at the latest announcement on tariffs by President Trump, which may not take full effect for at least several weeks.

Wall Street held relatively firm after President Trump’s latest tariff escalation and after the Federal Reserve hinted interest rates may not change soon.